I feel like I’m just waiting to die now, this disorder has taken everything from me, I hate myself too much to fight for my own life, and won’t let anyone help me. This disorder has me lying my guts out to everyone I trust about what’s going on. The first and last thought of my day are always whether or not this is the day I do something to say goodbye forever or do I just let my body do the job itself so my friends and family don’t have to deal with a suicide, but a death from an eating disorder… Which is common, over 20% of people with eating disorders die, so 20% of them had to expect it.

I just wish for their sake… I was never like this. =(

Death is something I fall asleep to wishing it will take me in my sleep, when any normal person would be waiting to embrace the next day.

Makes sense I fail at life. I’ve failed at everything else.

I never made my parents proud,

My dad died hating me, my dad died and I couldn’t revive him, I feel like I failed him everyday.

My brothers and sisters are all amazing people,

My older sister went through something no one ever should in their lifetime, she lost her beautiful baby son, and she has been so strong (on the surface) throughout this year and been an amazing mum to her other daughter and just kept her shit together, and I’m so proud of her. She’s lucky she can do anything she’s strong, physically and emotionally, she can pursue her dreams and finish studying because just like other siblings she is a smart smart smart lady, she’ll always have little Zekie her baby boy in her heart, he will be part of the family forever, but she’s the type of mother that can make the family feel whole even if there is someone missing.

My other older brother is so smart and funny he has already graduated (with honours) in chemical engineering and he is doing another degree in some crazy robotics course (I can’t even remember the name of it) he always quotes Simpsons with me and I can have great conversations because we have similar personalities. He was actually the first person in my family to ask me whether I was gay or not too, I didn’t know if he would be okay with it and he was one of the people I was most afraid to tell, but he was really awesome about and has been ever since. This brother of mine is like a slowly opening flower, he has come from a very shy boy with a speech impediment, to a successful, smart, funny, caring man that can only go further if he applies himself and goes for it.

My oldest brother knew what his passion was before he learned fractions, he was baking cakes as a child now he is an internationally trained chef, he is so devoted to his work I’m convinced he doesn’t sleep. He looks like he only works and works out, he is so strong! He would always step in and tell me or my other siblings when we weren’t doing things right or when we were simply being little assholes when my dad didn’t, I think he really shaped me as a person, I think I learnt a lot of respect and common sense/ common curtesy, when I was little, and I think that rounded me out as a better person. This brother of mine also has an amazing partner, who is also a chef, she’s genuinely one of the sweetest caring people you could meet, if you could package her and sell her as a magic spice you could not put a price on her at all.

And then my oldest sister, she’s had a real rough rocky road, but she managed to sort it out for one of the first times on my life and I got to truly meet this amazing woman free of a lifelong addiction, it was really worth the wait, but I’m sad I didn’t get to meet this beautiful funny smart caring talented woman earlier… I might sound selfish, but if that’s the woman inside you, she’s worth fighting for and now I’ve met her, please don’t take her away.
This wonderful sister of mine got started studying again, proving it’s never too late (for anyone). I know my sister has been struggling wither her past vices of late… But I know she’s overcome it before and this is just a small hurdle on the very rocky road that is recovery from addiction and I hope she knows that…

Then there’s my mum, she’s dealt with my crap since well… Birth… But still managed to raise 5 children and cope with the loss of 6 other babies during pregnancy. She also managed to live with my father who was very unwell, someone with bipolar/schizophrenia took her on quite a few scary uncertain adventures in life moving back and forth overseas would drive any sane person crazy but mum kept it together some how (I think)… Things just seemed to get a bit harder, dad got sick, I started going nuts, but she never abandoned me or refused to take me to the hospital or the doctors or therapists no matter what time of day or night. And that takes a lot of love and dedication not to get fed up and just give up on someone like me. So after losing her husband and having me still unwell, it took a bit of coaxing but she finally admitted things weren’t okay herself and she’s treating her own depression with the GP , and I’m so proud of her for taking that step. I know it was hard for her. I just hope she knows it’s not too late for her to have a life, her own life. She thinks her life is over now, but it’s really only a new beginning.

I wish I was good enough for my family