We buried you today…

Why do I have to say those words?

Why can’t you wake me up from this nightmare and tell me you’re okay?

I need you to be okay, I can’t lose anyone else, especially you. You were my rock, you were always supposed to be there, you pushed me to do better and be better so why would you turn around and do this?

You couldn’t have. Please just tell me you’re not gone.

The only thing I feel now is the pain momentarily tearing through my skin, trying in vain to wake myself up from this nightmare, but they just stitch me up as if to say sorry little girl this is reality, you have nothing to wake up from.

So I keep pushing that blade deeper and deeper pleading, begging myself to wake up so I can see you on the flip side. But I can’t, I’m stuck in this reality, I’m left in this hell where I can’t get to you.

And I need you so much right now.

Please. Please let me wake up from this.

The days have been going so slow, time doesn’t feel real anymore, if I could feel anything I know it would be the thousands of pieces my heart has shattered into.

I still can’t believe in my head you are gone, I don’t want to, I don’t want to bury you tomorrow, how can I go to your funeral and know this is a reality?

Why can’t you just come back and tell me this is all a dream, tell me nothing went wrong and you didn’t take your life.

Then maybe the guilt I have for not saving you might ease, the need to starve my body and cut my skin might decrease, the need for me to feel pain, because I couldn’t save you might stop, if only you would wake me up from this nightmare and tell me you’re okay.

But life doesn’t work like that does it, so how else do I cope with the self hatred that flows through my veins knowing it should have been me and not you, knowing that you had a purpose, you made the world beautiful and now you’re gone. How can I let myself live with that?

This is how much it hurts that your gone, you can stitch it up. But the pain doesn’t end, you left me here alone I would never do that to you. I don’t know how I’m supposed to cope with this, we have to bury you on Friday.

Why should I even being saying those words?

Why won’t you just wake me up from this horrible nightmare and tell me I’m the one being crazy for thinking that you’re actually gone, wake me up god dammit I can’t be in a reality where you are actually gone please just tell me I’m wrong, tell me I’m dreaming.

Because a world that would let you die isn’t a world for me.